The Struggle of Self

How do you find your true authentic self?

How do you not compare yourself to others and stay content in your work?

Or how do you find what you truly want to create without trying to impress the world?

These questions, never stop running through my head. I cannot seem to find out what I want to create. And I think its because it is always changing. And I think it is always changing because of what I am constantly seeing others do, which is comparison. Comparison is the root of all evil to an artist. Once you get stuck in trying to please others or create work that others will like that will get you more likes or followers, it is hard as hell to get out. 

I am currently stuck in this cycle. The past year really, I have been stuck in it. Not really too sure what I want to create. Mostly letting social media guide me by whatever the trends are at the moment. I can't seem to stop for one second to just find myself and what makes ME happy, what makes ME want to keep creating. 

How do I climb out of this? How have you climbed out? Maybe wander the wilderness for 40 days... spend a few months in a cabin in Montana... delete all social media or just take a break from it?

I am a very analytical artist. Which I think is why I found photography.

When I was younger I didn't think I was creative at all... and at times still don't think I am that creative. I am very methodical and strive for perfection, but sometimes will just settle. I am the type of painter who doesn't like making a mess. I love simplicity and minimalism. I love the outdoors and nature, it soothes me.... At the same time, I love the rush and chaotic mess of a city, with all its grit and noise. I love real people and their deep conversations.

As a kid, I enjoyed long division. I used to organize my toys. I was the kid who had a tool box for my legos, and would try to keep them all organized based on their shape and color.

I am literally two extremes of the same.

However. I do know what matters most in my life and I have found him, Jesus Christ. Because I know if I hadn't, I would be a real mess of a human right about now. I know through Him I have my identity and who I am as a human. He is literally what is keeping me from sinking into this mess, just like holding onto a life jacket in the middle of a raging ocean.

Not many people know, but I am currently looking for a full-time job. I am not quitting photography or anything, but these past few months have been the hardest financial situation me and Brittany have been through. By the grace of God we have made it this far, but I am tired of fighting for it and need a break. I know freelancing is hard and this is the way it is for a lot of freelancers. But for us right now, I don't think it's the right time. On top of me going through this some sort of "identity quarter-life crisis".

I just want a steady job with steady pay, that will allow me to still create art on the side and enjoy it for what it is, not as a means to get by.

This post has been a bit of a crazy rant, spilling my heart out kind of thing but I think thats where the struggle is for most people.

Feel free to leave any advice in the comment section, or if you're going through the same thing right now and need to get out, go for it.

This is myself.